


Of Mary Sues and Mind Slavery

by Kittenn1011, Msnaughtyowl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Gen, M/M, My Immortal Reduxed, Parody, Post - Order of the Phoenix, Pre - Half-Blood Prince, Snark, Vampires?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-29
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-11-15 07:44:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittenn1011/pseuds/Kittenn1011, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Msnaughtyowl/pseuds/Msnaughtyowl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A dark force is working within Hogwarts in the form of a deluded teenage vampire. Now it’s up to the most mismatched group in Hogwarts history to save it from Ebony Dark'ness Demntia Raven Way. This is the real story of what happened to Hogwarts during the most legendarily bad fanfiction, My Immortal. </p><p>(Warning for occasional crude language, semi-sexual situations, making light of self-harm, and Enoby's presence).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Her Name's too Long to Use as a Title

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/46145) by XXXbloodyrists666XXX. 



> This is a coauthored project between two authors: Kittenn1011 of Fanfiction.net and MsNaughtyOwl of Deviantart. We are real-life friends— yes, we’re as shocked as you are that those exist— so do not worry about how that will affect the plot. We actually talk in person about it, so we won’t lose it because there’s two of us.
> 
> Ms.NaughtyOwl: If you haven’t read My Immortal already, you might want to do so to enjoy this properly. We recommend you read it in parallel to this fanfic. We’ll have the chapters we use cited at the beginning so you can know how far you’ll need to read to understand up to the chapter. There are a couple missing chapters that we could not actually show in a protagonist’s point of view, so you’ll have to read those on your own time. We’ll announce when we skip a chapter. 
> 
> Kittenn1011: I apologize for the presence of a semi-“original character” in the inner circle of protagonists, but if you’ve actually read My Immortal, you know why it’s necessary. Brittany is said to be Ebony’s worst enemy, so we, of course, have to include her, despite her being one of Tara’s OC. Think of her as a reader insert. Now you can defeat Ebony Dark-apostrophe-ness Dementia-causing Raven Way. Isn’t that a dream come true?
> 
> Please note that all of Ebony's dialogue and the dialogue of those she is currently controlling will be taken, letter-for-letter, from My Immortal. The grammar and spelling will be absolutely horrible in those moments.
> 
>    
> My Immortal Chapters One and Two  
> Brittany's POV

There was something off at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Not that it surprised anybody: The Dark Lord had returned while Harry Potter, the chaos magnet, attended the school; for the first time in two hundred years, the school played host to a transfer student; and first the first time ever, a student had actually failed every single class in her sixth year and the teachers forcibly held her back to take them all again. It was a year of firsts.

Brittany missed everything about Salem Witches’ Academy. She missed the campus, the ability to go home on weekends, the variety of people, the lack of ‘house divisions’, and (most of all) she missed the sanity of the students. _Moving to Europe_ , she decided, _was the worst decision my parents have ever made_.

The school had seemed to be a normal, stable environment, at first. The students were welcoming enough, though suspicious because of the return of Lord Voldemort, The famous Harry Potter and his friends attempted to avoid her in case she might be working for him— not that she blamed him. If Voldemort was her worst enemy, she would be suspicious of anyone who appeared randomly, too. It was in her best interest to simply show no interest in the Boy-Who-Lived, lest people attack her in the hall for showing him too much attention.

She moved through the motions of school with a handful of people she could almost call friends. Lavender and Parvati were pleasant company. They reminded her vaguely of her best friends back home, whom she missed dearly. Brittany found Hogwarts not much different from her previous magical school, content enough for such a change in her life.

But then, things started to change.

The first time Brittany realized something strange had happened was when she walked down into the Gryffindor Common Room and found Harry Potter had spiked his so-called uncontrollable hair and streaked it in red.  At first, she assumed he had lost a bet or someone had pranked him in his sleep. Everyone’s lack of reaction concerned her more. Nobody laughed, and a few even made approving comments. In Brittany’s opinion, no guy in their right mind could call that hairdo, “Hawt.,” Except, apparently, Ron Weasley could. Then again, she could not claim that Ron was in his right mind at the time— the next day she found Ron had also streaked his hair. His, in blue. At least he dyed it black first; the only thing less tasteful than tacky blue streaks had to be tacky blue streaks in ginger hair. Hermione followed them on the path to insanity next, dying her hair black and beginning to grow it out at an unnatural pace.

Lots of strange changes continued to happen, but she drew the line on a dark, cloudy day in November. Heavy sleet fell from the sky, drenching Brittany’s Gryffindor uniform as the Slytherin and Gryffindor sixth years walked back to the castle from the greenhouses. She ran into Draco Malfoy, and then he apologized to her. She couldn’t claim to know much about Draco Malfoy, but she knew enough that it left her completely dumbfounded.

Before she could formulate a response, Malfoy had walked away and hurried towards a Slytherin girl dressed in a non-uniform, disgusting muggle outfit. For the first time that day, Brittany caught sight of Ebony’s makeup. Like always, she had covered her face as like a member of KISS. In the terrible weather, what had once been a bad imitation of stage makeup looked like a runny mess; no wonder people stared. Ever the clever wit, Ebony put up her middle finger in the direction of the Gryffindors.

“Hey Ebony!” Draco shouted.

She looked at him and stared blankly at him for a moment before asking, “What’s up, Draco?”  

“Nothing,” he replied, his voice shy, like a self-conscious teenage girl having the first conversation with the guy she likes.

 _Odd_ , thought Brittany.

She had met Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way once before, and the moment she introduced herself, Ebony immediately began calling her a “prep”. Whenever they passed in the hallways, Ebony would obnoxiously try to catch her attention and then flip her off. (These exchanges tended to feature loud yelling of Brittany’s name by Ebony until she looked over and then ensued such obnoxious swearing that Brittany began to suspect the girl had Tourette’s Syndrome.) The odd-looking girl never came off to her as somebody a guy could possibly like. Any guy at all— let alone the aloof Draco Malfoy.

A Slytherin girl called Ebony’s name and, anticlimactically, she walked away. _How boring_ , Brittany thought. She had been hoping to see an exchange with more than three sentences, and maybe a couple of rude gestures on Draco’s part and a rejection of Ebony.

That moment was the first time Brittany connected the transformations of everyone to Ebony.

 

 

* * *

 

 

By the next morning, Brittany had almost forgotten about the strange incident. At least, until Ebony entered the Great Hall yelling, “No I so fucking don’t!” She paused, and stared at an empty space.

 _Seriously_ , thought Brittany, _can she be more obnoxious? There are people around who can here you shouting at your imaginary friend._ Frankly, she held no interest in what Ebony wanted to tell ‘Willow’, whom likely existed as a figment of her warped imagination. Nobody ever saw Willow except Ebony herself; most of the school had become accustomed to the minor hallucination; older students instructed first years to ignore it.

Before Brittany could turn her attention back to her breakfast, she noticed Draco approaching Ebony and decided to first watch the train-wreck that would ensue. “Hi,” said Draco.

“Hi,” she replied, her voice rising about two octaves as she pulled a strand of hair out of her messy attempt at a bun and twirled it around her finger.

“Guess what,” he replied.

“What?” asked Ebony.

 _Are they going to ever have a conversation with full sentences?_ Brittany wondered. _Eavesdropping is only fun when something private— and interesting— is going on._ _Then again, can this even be eavesdropping with the volume of that conversation?_

Uninterested, she turned back to the Gryffindor table and spared a glance a few seats down to Harry Potter and his entourage, all dressed in clothing just as muggle and unorthodox as Ebony’s. Where could they even buy that type of thing around Hogwarts? She rolled her eyes and continued to eat her breakfast.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade,” Draco said, loudly enough for Brittany to hear him despite her lack of interest in the conversation. Brittany turned and gaped, unable to formulate a complete thought on the idea.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God,” Ebony screamed. Most of the students in the hall cringed at the sound, and Brittany had to cover her ears to block out the frightening screech. She did not know if she should compare the sound to a banshee or the mermish language.

“Well,” said Draco, pausing for dramatic effect and failing to deliver any real climactic feeling. “Do you want to go with me?”

Ebony gasped loudly, then turned and walked away.Brittany stared blankly. “What just happened,” she wondered out loud. After all, she knew Good Charlotte was an American, muggle band; they should have nothing to do with Hogsmeade at all. As well, as far as she knew, on Hogsmeade weekends, students needed to be back by dinnertime. On top of that, there was not even a Hogsmeade weekend in the foreseeable future.

Were they sneaking out?

A wicked smile crossed Brittany’s face. As far as she knew, nobody had ever been caught sneaking out of Hogwarts; it could possibly be the worst crime the idiotic Slytherin girl could commit. If Brittany played her cards right, Ebony could get expelled.

And that would make her life— and probably the lives of everyone else in the castle— a whole lot less painful. 


	2. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albus Dumbledore has a headache and looses his temper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: Thanks for having your minds crushed so that we can write something amusing. 
> 
> Kittenn1011: Let’s just say, we have earned our creative license, and made use of them when we noticed “[Draco] put his thingy in [Ebony’s] you-know-what and we did it for the first time” (My Immortal, Chapter 4). Because that could mean so many things. Yes, it is clarified later, but by the time we reached that the idea we used had sunk it and it was so easy to change the outright statement by changing the way the words were said. Ebony is an unreliable narrator, anyways.
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapters Four and Five  
> Dumbledore's POV

The words Severus Snape spoke would not stick in Albus Dumbledore’s mind long enough to spare them more than a passing moment’s thought. His entire consciousness focused on the agonizing migraine he had been suffering through for nearly a week.

“Headmaster? Which potion?” Severus’ harsh voice did no favours for the pain. Albus almost considered just ordering Severus back to his dungeons so he could suffer alone, but the small, still-reasonable portion of his brain insisted otherwise.

Collecting himself the best he could, Albus replied, “The strongest.”

Severus raised his eyebrow. “Headmaster, I must warn you the potency of my strongest pain reliever—”

“Now, Severus,” said Albus, leaning over his desk and cradling his aching head in his hands. “Do not underestimate the power of this strange presence.”

“Yes, sir,” said Severus as he turned and left the room, robes billowing. Albus let out a sigh of relief; he could finally be alone and in silence with his headache.

For a short moment, silence filled the room. Then, the doors swung open and banged against the wall. The portraits of past headmasters on the wall shook in their frames, began complaining loudly about how nobody respected them anymore. “Albus!” Minerva exclaimed.

Albus opened his eyes, irritated. “What?” he asked, his tone restrained.

“Mr. Malfoy and Miss… Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way… where does her last name start, exactly?” McGonagall paused. “Never mind that. Mr. Malfoy and Miss Way seem to be planning to sneak out of the school tonight to see… some sort of band— I believe it is an American and… or…  a muggle band— which is preforming in Hogsmeade this weekend for some unexplainable reason.”

“I see,” said Dumbledore. “Could it be that you have misheard?”

“That’s not very likely. Miss Way practically screamed it in the Great Hall this morning. Several heard, including myself. Only one student reported it, however.”

Dumbledore frowned. “Odd. If I recall correctly, Miss Way is a member of Slytherin house.”

“Yes, she is. Most of my house would have jumped at the chance to inform us of her misconducts. They do take the House Cup much too seriously.”

“We’ve handled students sneaking out before,” Dumbledore said, waving his hand absently. “You know how to deal with it. You’re dismissed.”

“I’m not a student,” said Minerva irately. She paused for a moment and watched him before asking, “Are you alright, Albus?”

“Couldn’t be better,” he lied.

Minerva nodded. “Good. Then, there is another matter I need to discuss with you.”

Albus held back a groan. “What is it?”

“The Statute of Secrecy may be broken if it’s really a muggle band playing in Hogsmeade. In fact, it may have already been broken.”

“That is not our concern. Contact the Ministry if it really bothers you.” Dumbledore rubbed his temple carefully.

“We should not leave such a sensitive matter to the Ministry, Albus. You’ve said so yourself countless times—”

“Alright,” said Dumbledore, exasperated. “I’ll deal with it.”

 

* * *

 

 

On the night of the concert, Albus almost wanted to allow Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way to have her way without interference simply because, despite the presence of Severus’ most potent painkiller, his migraine had become too much to bear. Nonetheless, he found himself waiting outside the front doors of the castle to catch them attempting to sneak back in. He doubted the pair could be intelligent enough to take a secret passageway, but he stationed the night’s patrols around the passages anyways.

He did not immediately see the flying car; after all, he had no reason to watch the sky. The sound of the engine from somewhere in the sky revealed their location, despite the black car nearly blending in with the night sky. At the annoying sound, a sharp pain pierced his head. He looked up and spotted the vehicle as it landed in the Forbidden Forest. Albus frowned. He expected that behaviour of most of the school, but not Draco Malfoy; after his and Harry Potter’s encounter with Lord Voldemort during detention in first year, he had been terrified of the Forest.

Briskly, Albus began walking into the forest _. It’s called the Forbidden Forest for a reason,_ he thought bitterly. _If it were permitted, it would be called the Permitted Forest._ As he travelled into the darker region of the forest, he cast a quick, silent lumos and wondered from what kind of dangers he would be obliged to save them.

He did not expect to find what he did: Draco Malfoy (who happened not to be wearing clothes) was taking limes from Ebony (whose top was missing), putting the lime in a coconut, and mixing them together. He passed the coconut to Ebony; she leaned in and kissed him before raising the coconut to her lips, screaming excitedly—

“What the hell are you doing you motherfuckers!” The vulgar words left Albus’ mouth before he could even form a complete thought about the sight before him. In fact, for a moment all his mental functions had stopped and his headache had, for a short moment, disappeared. Once his brain restarted, he realized what he had said and regretted not kicking Minerva in his office the moment she burst in a few days previous.

Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way stared at him blankly, and then let out a loud gasp.

 _If Minerva wants them punished so badly,_ thought Albus, _she can do it herself._ With that resolution, he marched out of the Forbidden Forest; it took all his self-control— and he had quite a lot of self-control— to not grab their wrists and forcefully drag them out of the Forest. Instead, they trailed behind him.

As they exited the Forbidden Forest, he glanced back to make sure they were still following him. He noticed that, for some reason beyond his understanding, neither had retrieved their clothing from the forest floor. Instead, they remained unclothed. "You ludicrous fools,” he said, more to himself than towards them.

Minerva and Severus had been patrolling in the Entrance Hallway. As Albus, Ebony, and Draco walked through the doors, the pair turned and simply stared at them for a long moment.

“They were,” Albus paused for a long moment, unable to find the right words, before continuing, “having sexual intercourse,” he said the words like they were a question, “in the Forbidden Forest.” He turned to the Slytherins and saw them in the light for the first time that night. Red stains ran down her cheeks, almost as if she had been crying tears of blood. _Odd,_ thought Dumbledore. _Perhaps she should see Poppy about that._

Severus raised his eyebrow.

“Why did you do such a thing, you…mediocre dunces?” Minerva’s voice was unsure; Albus’ questioning tone likely caused her some confusion.

“How dare you?” Severus’ voice held an equally uncertain tone. He glanced to Albus for guidance.

Before Albus could clarify his earlier statement, Draco shrieked, “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

For a long moment, everyone was completely silent. The teachers exchanged questioning looks. They knew each other too well: almost as if a telepathic conversation had taken place, they all came to the same conclusion. Something was wrong with those two, and they needed to discuss what happened without them present.

“Fine,” spat Severus. “Very well. You may go to your rooms.”

The two stomped up the stairs dramatically. Albus, Minerva, and Severus stared at them in complete shock.

The moment they disappeared from sight, Severus said, “I believe they’re supposed to be going… down.”

“Well, their mental capacities are going down,” replied Minerva.

“What were they actually doing?” asked Severus, looking to Albus for an explanation.

Albus sighed. “I do not really know.” He stroked his beard thoughtfully. “They had a lime… and a coconut… and they were in that state of undress.” He furrowed his eyebrows, still attempting to reason out what happened in the Forest. “He put the lime in the coconut, shook it—”

Severus snorted. “Good one, Albus. Now what really happened?”

Albus continued as if Severus has not spoken. “She began to drink from the coconut… acting… oddly.” He looks at them expectantly. They must know what he meant.

Severus paused. “He put the lime… in the coconut. She drank them both up?”

“Yes,” said Albus. “I just said that.”

A second pause. “Where did they even get the coconut?” asked Severus.

“Do coconuts migrate?” asked McGonagall, her face completely straight.

Severus jerked his head towards her, eyes wide. Quickly, he covered his mouth with his hand, muffling a small chuckle.

“Are you alright?” asked Albus. Severus nodded, not removing his hand from his mouth. Albus wrote off his behaviours and gave Minerva a baffled look. “They could be carried,” he said thoughtfully. “Maybe by a sparrow. They could grip it by the husk— where are you going, Severus?”

By the time Albus noticed his absence, Severus was already halfway out the door. They could hear him burst into laughter in the other room.

“Odd,” said Minerva. “I’ve never known him to have such an outburst. I wonder what that was about.”

“I cannot be sure,” replied Dumbledore. “Perhaps the idea of migrating coconuts got the better of him. It is a ridiculous idea.” He sighed, rubbing his temples as he felt his headache intensify. His thoughts blanked for a second, and then he wondered, _What was it I was supposed to be discussing with Minerva_? He did not think about it too long; instead, he wrote it off as something insignificant. “Goodnight Minerva.”

“Albus?” she called to his retreating form. “Albus, what about—?” She cut herself off, seemingly forgetting what she wanted to say before she could finish her sentence. “Goodnight Albus,” she said before he was out of earshot.


	3. Enter Vampire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very memorable day in the life of Severus Snape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: Sorry for all the swearing. This chapter is where it begins to get bad. Blame Tara not us!
> 
> Kittenn1011: We (mostly) wrote this chapter during a sleepover and accidentally deleted the second half of it because I thought I was closing a different window. It took us hours to write because we have short attention spans, and it took us about fifteen minutes to rewrite. Surprised? I’m not.
> 
>    
> My Immortal Chapters Six, Seven, and Eight  
> Snape's POV

Poppy was clearly upset. Not that Severus Snape could really blame her: never had he seen such despicable behaviour by a Hogwarts student. He did not believe even the Dark Lord would sink as low as Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. When the girl had entered the Great Hall that morning— dressed as ridiculous as usual with literally painted purple hair— she proceeded to stalk over to the Hufflepuff table, take a bowl and a glass, and start collecting blood for her breakfast.

The school’s nurse has a panic attack in her seat, though she recovered quickly enough to race over to the fainted Hufflepuffs Ebony had sliced open to fill her bowl of cereal and a glass on the side. Meanwhile, the rest of the staff had absolutely no idea what to do. They simply stared at the attacking girl for a moment before glancing at the Headmaster for direction. Albus did not seem to have noticed the commotion, as he was simply leaning over the table, eyes closed, and rubbing his head carefully.

“Shouldn’t someone do something?” whispered Andromeda Tonks, this year’s new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. (Oh, how Severus wanted that position. But, no, Albus could not seem to track down old Slughorn to take the job he already held. Instead, they had to settle for an unoccupied, minor Order member.)

Severus growled lowly, “Of course someone should. Go ahead.”

Andromeda glared at him. “She’s in your house.”

“And I’ve tried to,” he replied. “Every time I’ve attempted to punish her for the past six years, she’s simply yelled obscenities in my face and refused to show up to any detention.” He paused. “We tried expelling her, once. She showed up for class the next day, nonetheless.”

“Why didn’t you escort her off premises?” asked Andromeda.

“We did,” said Severus. “Nobody knows how she got back in—”

“Bastard!” Ebony suddenly yelled, drawing the attention of the staff once more. She was staring at a person Severus did not immediately recognize. He dressed in the same pathetic muggle style as Ebony, wearing almost as much makeup.

“I’m so sorry,” the unidentified student said meekly. The attitude told nothing of who the student was; after all, a large percentage of the school population would be just as nervous bumping into a person they had just watched collect the blood of the innocent to consume in a breakfast cereal.

"That's all right. What's your name?"

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

Severus stared. At such a distance, he could not recognize any of Harry Potter’s features. Not James’ face or arrogant smile, and upon closer inspection, Severus noticed he had covered his only good feature— Lily’s beautiful green eyes could not be seen from behind red contacts.

"Why?" The question sounded more like an exclamation. The annoying girl did have a tendency to be as dramatic as possible.

"Because I love the taste of human blood,” Potter giggled.

Severus dropped his goblet of pumpkin juice and openly gaped. _Since when has Potter been a cannibal?_ he wondered dryly. _This must be a_ new _revelation_. _Perhaps that is the power the Dark Lord knows not._

"Well, I am a vampire,” said Ebony in a stage whisper, as if the entire school had not realized it when she attacked the Hufflepuffs five minutes previous.

"Really?" Potter whimpered.

Severus nearly growled at the cowardice. _Is that the attitude that faced the Dark Lord? No wonder he has not been dealt with yet._ For a moment, he wondered whether Potter remembered he was supposed to be a Gryffindor.

"Yeah,” roared Ebony.

Potter and Ebony sat down at the end of the Slytherin table and began to talk in normal tones, something that was a rarity for the vampire girl. They stayed that way until Draco Malfoy approached, whispered something to her, and the two left the Great Hall.

 _And that’s the last anyone will be seeing of them today_ , thought Severus. _Good riddance and thank Merlin_.

He stood up and swooped out of the Great Hall, robes billowing and frightening the first years nearly as much as Ebony had; he heard a Ravenclaw girl wondering if Severus also drank human blood. He rolled his eyes. Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered eating with the rest of the school.

By the time he entered his classroom, a few Slytherin sixth years had already arrived and were waiting for him. He unlocked the room and sat in his desk, watching the rest of the Slytherins and the Gryffindors file in.

For the second time that day, he found himself staring at a student he had never seen before. This one was even more unsettling, as she wore Slytherin robes. He did know every single student in the school, but he was Head of Slytherin House, for Merlin’s sake. Yet, he could not find any familiar features in the girl’s makeup-covered face. He was sure he would remember those unnatural crimson eyes, but the possibility she wore contacts remained.

His pride would not allow him to admit he did not recognize a Slytherin sixth year. He snatched the attendance and began checking through the list. He could not find a name to match her face, but he did notice something unusual: Hermione Granger was missing.

“Granger is absent,” he said, turning to the Gryffindor side of the room and waiting for an explanation. When one was not provided, he continued, “I’m sure that insufferable know-it-all must be in Hospital Wing sick with something deadly to miss class.”

“Actually, Professor,” a high-pitched voice rose from the Slytherins. He turned to face the one who had spoken— the mysterious student. “I was kidnapped when I was born and my real parents are vampire and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her and my father committed suicide because depressed about it. I’m very haunted and depressed. My real name is Smith not Granger.”

“I see,” said Severus, rubbing his forehead. _What’s going on?_

“Also, I converted to Satanism so I’m in Slytherin now not Gryffindor.”

Severus stared at her blankly. “Miss Hermione Smith, you—”

“It’s actually B’loody Mary Smith.”

“I see,” said Severus. Not knowing what else to do, he carefully crossed her name off the attendance list and replaced it with her new one.

“Don’t forget the apostrophe after the B,” she said cheerily.

 _Haunted and depressed. Right._ He mentally groaned as he added in the unnecessary apostrophe where there should not have been an apostrophe. At all.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” yelled the voice of the one who could only be described as an unwanted demon. Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way burst into the room.

Draco Malfoy followed close behind her, once more lacking clothing. “Ebony, it’s not what you think!” he screamed.

Hermione Granger— B’loody Mary Smith or whatever she wanted to go by— stood up and nodded, smiling.

“What is it that you desire,” Severus hissed, “you ridiculous dimwit.”

Ebony paid him no mind. “Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!”

Everyone gasped while Severus did a double-take. _You can’t cheat on someone you’re not in a relationship with, you dunderhead,_ he thought venomously.

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said the thing that used to be Harry Potter.

 _Exactly,_ thought Severus. _Wait. What?_

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” Ebony screamed as she fled the scene, leaving a still-naked Draco Malfoy, a shocked class, and speechless Severus Snape in her wake.


	4. Crookshanks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voldemort has an evil plan, you know. He is a competent villain, after all. He's speaking Ye Ole English for the lulz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: Thanks to all of our readers and reviewers/commenters (depending on which site you’re reading this on). You’re all very wonderful and seriously appreciated. 
> 
> Kittenn1011: Remember, in canon Voldemort has a tendency to monologue! And sorry we didn’t include Voldemort’s famous line, “Thou must kill Vampire Potter,” but we had no idea how to get Voldemort to start speaking in ye ole English and ended up losing his first line to logic. Don’t worry, the line is still actually in there.
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapter Nine  
> Voldemort’s POV

It was really pathetic that after the incident with attempted possession in the Ministry of Magic, that looking into Harry Potter’s mind could be more painful. Yet, it was. At the beginning of the year, the Dark Lord Voldemort hesitantly tried watching Hogwarts through Harry, and was surprised that neither Harry nor Dumbledore noticed.

A couple weeks later, he understood why.

There was something else in the minds of everyone in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Something, dare he say, more evil than even himself. Something that could forcibly control every single person in the castle without effort was wandering around and doing exactly that.

Voldemort did not like it.

After all, how could he take over a world that was being mind-controlled by somebody else entirely? It was not possible.

So, he did the only thing he could in such a situation: created a plan to destroy the other evil. He considered attempting to team up with it, but after weeks of observation, decided otherwise. This evil took the form of the thing he could not stand the most— a selfish, annoying, narcissistic teenage girl.

That was what brought Voldemort to the Forbidden Forest that day. He needed to be close to put his plan into action—

_What was that sound?_

He broke out of his inner-monologue and glanced around. Someone was loudly crying nearby.

 _How I am supposed to think around here?_ he thought. _Honestly._

He moved away from the tree he had been leaning on and grabbed his stolen broomstick. He needed to find the source of that obnoxious noise and shut it up. Preferably, by killing it.

He mounted the broom and began to weave between trees as he travelled towards the progressively loudening whining. He found it quickly enough.

He found Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way crying tears of blood against a tree. The most unusual part of the scene, he noted, was a cracked coconut and lime peel lying at her feet.

 _What, did she need to bring a snack to her pity-fest?_ he thought.

She turned towards him. For a long moment, she stared blankly at him. “No!” she shouted, her voice terrified.

Voldemort smirked and pulled out his wand. His evil plan could be implemented earlier than he expected. “Imperio!”

“Crookshanks!” yelled Ebony.

Voldemort fell off his broom in shock. “Ahh,” he responded, his false scream laced with sarcasm. _That’s not a spell_. Her stupidity delayed his realization that the imperious curse failed. _Merlin, now I have to do this the hard way._ “Ebony!” he yelled. “You must kill _Vampire_ Potter.”

“Thou must kill Vampire Potter?” she mumbled, once again giving a blank stare.

 _No. No, no, no. You must kill Potter, not me. You._ He stared at her. _Does she think I’m talking like that? I’m only seventy years old, not Merlin’s age. But then again… maybe I could get some entertainment out of that._

“No, Voldemort,” she shouted.

Voldemort growled lowly at her use of his name, but his anger was interrupted by an odd muggle object appearing in his hands. Not wanted to touch it, he immediately tossed it away and it landed in Ebony’s hands.

“No! Please!” she begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled, unexpectedly amused at purposely speaking so strangely. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

“How did you know?” she asked.

Voldemort gave her a dry look, raising his eyebrow— or, at least, the muscles moved in a way that he would have raised his eyebrow had he any hair at all. “I hath… telekinesis.”

 _Wrong word,_ though Voldemort. _Muggles call it something else. What was it? She’s too stupid to understand the concept of Legilimency. Oh well, she probably doesn’t know the difference._

“And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco.”

Not wanting to converse with the brainless girl any longer, he grabbed the still-floating broomstick and remounted it, flying up above the trees. The word _Vampire_ tasted bitter of his tongue, but the _ye ole English_ speak and her reaction to it was somewhat humorous.

“Draco! Hi!” yelled Ebony below him. Voldemort looked back down and watched as Draco Malfoy skipped towards her, an uncharacteristic grin on his face.

“Hi,” he said back, suddenly frowning dramatically.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“No,” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me,” said Ebony.

“That’s okay,” he replied.

 _I can’t believe I considered initiating him this year to make Lucius pay for his mistakes,_ thought Voldemort bitterly.


	5. Fish out of Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin arrives on the scene of the insanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: In this chapter Snape and Lupin seem to start a bit of a snarking competition. (May the best man win.) They won’t be explicitly point out when the other person gains a point during their own POVs, but we’re still counting all the points outside of their POVs. If you’re curious about where their points are coming from, we’ll count each occurrence at the very end.
> 
> Kittenn1011: How deluded can Ebony be? Well, we’ll let you be the judge of that. This chapter was originally combined with the next, so the next will still be in Lupin’s POV, but we’re probably going to average around 1,500 words/chapter, so we don’t want to get you guys accustomed to 3,000 plus word chapters. 
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapters Ten and Eleven  
> Lupin’s POV

The lack of students in the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry immediately concerned Remus Lupin. Usually, it was the second busiest location in the school— the Great Hall being the first. Barely any classes could be reached without passing through the Entrance Hallways, as it was one of the few central locations that students could consider a checkpoint when navigating the labyrinth that was the Hogwarts castle. With the moving staircases and changing paintings— not to mention the poltergeist and false doorways and trick stairs— it was very hard for students to get from one place to the next without passing through the unmoving landmarks of the school.

Yet, when Remus walked through the large doorways into the building, it was empty. He walked to the first painting he saw and asked it, “What’s going on?”

The man in the painting shrugged. “I don’t even know anymore.”

When the man did not elaborate, Remus began to travel up the Grand Staircase in the general direction of Dumbledore’s office. The paintings were unusually quiet, only whispering to each other, and the staircases moved more slowly than normal.

 _At this pace, I might as well stop at Andromeda’s classroom on the way there instead of the way back,_ he thought dully as he waited for the next stairway. As he leaned against the rail, he fiddled with the camera around his neck— Andromeda’s camera which Nymphadora had borrowed and Remus promised to return when he brought news to Dumbledore.

As his stairway slowly approached, he noticed someone sitting on it as it moved. He did not immediately realize the man sitting on the stairs was Severus Snape, but when the staircase reached its destination and Snape stood up, he could not mistake the figure for anyone else.

“Stupid students. Stupid stairs,” Snape was mumbling. When he spotted Remus, he added, “Stupid werewolves.” He paused. “Worst day ever.”

“Severus! Great to see you. The paintings won’t tell me what’s wrong with the castle. You tell me.”

Snape looked up the stairs and let out a long sigh. “You wouldn’t believe me.”

“I would,” said Remus.

“No, you really wouldn’t. Everyone else in the school is in the same condition. I would have to show you… which would mean going back up these stairs,” he said the final few words through clenched teeth and groaned at the thought.

“I take it you don’t want to do that,” Remus said dryly. “How positively lazy of you, Severus.”

Snape raised his eyebrow. “You can’t be so daft as to not notice how slow they’re moving today. Then again, I doubt your brain works much faster.”

“Always the charmer, aren’t you?” Remus rolled his eyes. “Are you a wizard or what? Use a broomstick and fly up and down.” He said it like it was the most obvious conclusion in the world.

Snape scowled. “There is a reason that Potter and Black got weeks’ worth of detentions last time you tried that. You might not be reasonable enough to comprehend the danger— that’s why you’re Gryffindor. However, some of us actually learned how to use our minds instead of wasting them.”

Without missing a beat, Remus replied, “If _your_ mind wasn’t so occupied with trying to come up with clever insults, you would notice that the stairs are moving so slowly you would have to be completely uncoordinated on a broom not to dodge them.”

“You haven’t been dealing with what I’ve had to deal with the past month or so,” Snape said, his voice icy.

“Then show me!” exclaimed Remus.

Snape faltered, if only for a moment. Remus grinned; he had won that round.

“Alright,” said Snape. “We’ll go back up to what I’ve been trying to escape these past two hours. But only if we take brooms. Merlin knows how long it will take to get back up on this damn staircase.”

They both looked around for the next staircase down. When they could not see one approaching, they looked to the ground.

“It’s only two floors. Could we jump?” Snape wondered.

Remus gave him a dry look. “Remember that stick you’re carrying around in your pocket? We call it a wand. It happens to have magical properties and can do magical things. Like summoning brooms.”

Snape glared and pulled out his wand.

That two to zero in Remus’ favour.

In unison, they waved their wands and summoned two brooms nonverbally. Snape’s personal broomstick flew up from the dungeons while Remus received the closest broom, which was also from the dungeons: a Nimbus 2001. When Snape noticed, he glared once more.

“I’ll return it,” Remus said immediately.

Snape sighed. “Don’t worry about. In the current situation, nobody seems to be needing them.”

“What?”

“You’ll see.”

They pushed off from the ground and easily navigated between the slow-moving staircases. As they landed on the seventh floor, Remus heard it for the first time.

“How is a mermaid up here?” he wondered out loud.

“That’s not a mermaid,” Snape replied immediately, wincing at the screeching noise.

“It sounds like it. You know, a mermaid out of water.”

“I know,” said Snape. “I wish it were.”

“Then what is it?” demanded Remus.

“That is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and her _band_.”

Remus stared. “Ebony? The quiet and stupid one?”

“She’s not quiet anymore.”

“She’s in, what, seventh year now?

“Sixth,” said Snape. “We don’t know how she even passed her OWLs. In fact, she got an O on all of them… I think she brainwashed the testers. But we held her back in sixth last year.”

“Brainwashed?” inquired Remus.

“You’ll see.”

Snape led Remus through the hallways towards the source of the noise. He crept towards a comfy old nook with large windows overlooking the grounds; when Remus saw it, he barely recognized it. When he had attended Hogwarts, a few desks for doing homework pointed towards a large red reading couch. The furniture had gone missing. Instead, it was set up for a band.

In the back, someone who vaguely resembled Ron Weasley sat at a drum set, pounding on it in no apparent beat. Beside him, a girl with her face covered in makeup, unrecognizable by Remus, strummed randomly on an acoustic guitar. In the front row, two boys plucked away at their own guitars. Harry Potter, only recognized because Remus knew James so well, had a bass guitar and an electric one lay unused beside him. Both instruments were connected to amplifiers that, obviously, did not work. No electronics worked at Hogwarts. The last instrument was a small piano. Hagrid, only recognizable by his size, slammed away at the keys which were smaller than his smallest finger. Lastly, in the very front, Ebony was standing with a hairbrush, screaming into it.

Remus gaped.

“I believe Miss Way is the source of this insanity,” Snape said.

Remus turned away from the sight to Snape. “This is… exactly what’s happening to Professor Dumbledore?” he sputtered.

“It seems to be affecting him differently,” Snape admitted. “He had been suffering from migraines and having mood swings. He also has developed a tendency to forget when certain students,” he gestured to Ebony, “break rules.”

“Any guess as to why he’s different?”

“Occlumency,” said Snape.

Before Remus could respond, his attention was diverted to the entrance of Albus Dumbledore. He stormed at them, his expression furious. Then, almost as sudden as his appearance was, he started to cry. Remus simply stared as the usually composed man broke down.

“What have you done!” he yelled through tears. “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

“NO!” screamed Ebony, falling to her knees. The girl Remus did not recognize leaned over to comfort her. Immediately, Ebony jumped up and yelled, “Fuck off!” Tears of blood fell down her cheeks as she ran away.

Dumbledore began to run after her and yell her name while Remus only pondered what sort of disease might cause a person to cry tears of blood. Once she was out of sight, everyone (save for Remus and Snape) began to follow in the same direction, almost zombie-like.

“Should we follow her?” asked Remus immediately.

Snape gave him a blank look. “Why would we?”

“Something weird is going on— I want to know if it’s really her.”

“It’s her,” replied Snape.

“I want to see it with my own eyes.”

“I want to claw out my eyes, but we can’t all have what we want,” he said as he ran his fingers through his hair, yanking on it in frustration.

“I don’t see the problem—”

“You’re a werewolf! You have claws once a month. I don’t have claws. I can’t claw my eyes out without claws.”

Remus looked at him dryly. “You know I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t see why we shouldn’t follow her.”

“Fine,” spat Snape. “Don’t get too close. She might infect you as well.”

“Where’d she go?” asked Remus.

Snape shrugged. “Likely, the Gryffindor dorms.”

“She’s Slytherin,” said Remus.

“Yes, she is.”

Remus had known Snape for years; he did not bother asking for elaboration. “We can’t go into the girls’ dorms.”

“Who said she’s in the girls’ dorms?”

“What.”

“I’ll prove it,” said Snape. He paused for a moment. “We’ll have to fly outside and watch her through the window. I don’t know what happens in what that girl calls her mind, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if she notices us following her…” he trailed off.

“Whatever you think is best, Severus,” Remus said as he pushed open the large, arched window. Both mounted their broomsticks and flew out, without bothering to close the window behind them.


	6. What.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ebony has a completely different view on the world than Snape and Lupin. Many miscommunications ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: Remember that Ebony said “Loopin was masticating to [the video]”! Defined, masticating means chewing. 
> 
> Kittenn1011: Believe it or not, most of what happens in this chapter is not our exaggeration. Almost none of Snape or Lupin’s lines were there, but everything Ebony and company say is word-for-word out of the original text. Almost anything characters do is a purposeful misinterpretation of a spelling mistake or trying to cover plot holes/holes caused by Tara’s stupid narration.
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapters Eleven and Twelve  
> Lupin’s POV

Remus and Snape easily found the windows to the Gryffindor boys’ dormitories and glanced into them, looking for Ebony. Despite not spotting her, they did realize what room she had taken residence in when they noticed a room with three large coffins and various muggle posters carelessly pinned all over the walls.

Upon seeing it, both came to a full stop.

“It must be hers,” said Snape.

Remus removed his hands from his broom to rub his forehead. “Why?” he mumbled. He passed the camera, which had been clutched in his hands the entire time, to Snape so her could reach into his pocket and pull out a bar of chocolate. He peeled back the wrapped and began nibbling on it.

Snape raised his eyebrow. “At a time like this?” he asked.

“This is upsetting,” Remus replied.

“Why are you even carrying around chocolate?”

“I carry around chocolate around my time of month.”

Snape stared at him for a moment, the corner of his mouth curling upwards. For a long moment, Remus did not realize what caused the smirk.

And then, “I didn’t mean that how it sounded!”

“Of course you didn’t,” said Snape.

The door to the bathroom opened and Ebony staggered out. Remus cringed at her appearance. She wore a black, low-cut dress and bulky high heels, and carried a raw steak as far away from herself as possible. She seemed to be in her own world for a short time before she looked out the window and spotted them. Gasping, she grabbed a bath towel hanging on a nearby chair and wrapped it around herself.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” she screamed.

Remus almost choked on his chocolate.

“What?” they asked in unison.

The door swung open and Harry Potter rushed in, probably alerted to the commotion by Ebony’s loud, illogical accusation. “Abra Kedabra!” he yelled, pointing his wand at his own stomach.

“What?” they asked again.

Ebony grabbed a gun lying on the same chair the towel had been on— the towel had previously covered it. She started shooting towards them, shattering the window with her bullets. Most missed, but one pierced Remus’s shoulder, one skimmed Snape’s leg, and one hit Nymphadora’s camera, knocking it out of Snape’s hands and crashing against the floor in Ebony’s room.

The pain was almost unbearable. Remus slumped over his broom to keep his balance while his pressed his hand to the wound while Snape tried to look as if he felt nothing.

Once again, the door swung open. This time, Dumbledore ran in. ““Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has— NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He pulled his wand out and pointed it at them. A jet of light shot out and hit Snape’s hand, covering it in red paint.

Snape stared at his hand for a moment. “What,” he said.

 _We just can’t get a break,_ thought Remus. _Why is everyone so insane?_

From below, a booming voice said, “Everyone, we need to talk.”

“What?” mumbled Remus, glancing downwards.

Hagrid was running across the grounds, looking to be attempting to fly a broom which could not carry him because of his weight. At his mouth, he held a megaphone.

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!” Dumbledore yelled out the window.

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT,” he yelled into his megaphone, “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“What?” asked Remus in a low voice. “Hagrid isn’t a student. Is it really just Ebony doing this?” Snape did not respond for a long moment while the two finally flew in the window and landed in Ebony’s room, careful not to step on the glass on the floor from the shattered window.

“It cannot be,” Snape replied. “There must be other factors.” The words were desperately begging that one girl could not do so much harm. Remus paid little attention to the happenings in the room; he was busy looking for Nyphadora’s camera.

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” Ebony yelled at Snape through a megaphone— where had she got the megaphone?

“I wasn’t talking to you,” he mumbled, but Ebony did not seem to hear him.

Remus spotted the camera on the ground, picked it up, and examined it carefully. More to himself than to Snape or the other occupants of the room, he announced, “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!” Good. Nyphadora would not kill him for ruining her family photos. That crisis averted, he turned his attention to Hagrid. He leaned out the window and yelled down, “Why are you doing this?”

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hagrid paused, failing to create the dramatic effect he seemed to be attempting to convey. Then, suddenly, he began singing. Remus did not recognize the song, nor did he want to. It sounded nearly as horrific as Ebony’s screaming sounded earlier.

“What?” mumbled Remus, covering his ears.

When the banshee-like sounds ended, Snape asked, “Because you’re _goffic_?” his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Because I LOVE HER!” yelled Hagrid.

“Not again,” said Snape. “I’m leaving.” He moved towards the door, but then stopped in his tracks. He stared at it for a moment, contemplating. Then, he grabbed his broom and lifted off, exiting through the window. Remus gave one final glance to Harry Potter’s blank expression before following after his old schoolmate. They flew down to the ground and entered the school through the Entrance Hallway. Once in the Grand Staircase, they flew up one floor.

They did not dismount their brooms until they were safely within the confines of the Hospital Wing. Poppy immediately rushed to their aid, inquiring the nature of their injuries.

She didn’t know how to treat bullet wounds: a half hour later, they were simply bandaged up, lying on beds while she contacted St. Mungo’s for proper treatment. The floo was in her office, so she was not in the room when Ebony entered, brandishing a silver knife to her already bleeding wrists. She sat on a bed across from them, seemingly not noticing their presence, and stared at her wrists.

Harry and Dumbledore trailed in after her.

Dumbledore grabbed the camera from Remus’ bedside. “What are you doing?” Remus called. “That’s mine!”

“This is the cideo camera you took of her naked. I am constipating it.”

“What,” said Remus.

“NO!” Harry suddenly screamed. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” His eyes rolled up and he clutched his forehead. In the short moment before his hands covered it, Remus noticed he could not even see the trademark scar.

“How did u know?” asked Ebony, her voice overly dramatic.

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

 _How can you even see your forehead?_ wondered Remus. _There’s no mirrors, and it’s not even visible, anyways. Why isn’t it visible?_

“NO!” Ebony ran to Harry. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!”

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation. Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Remus and Snape stared at him blankly. “What,” they said together.

“Who the heck is Volfemort?” mumbled Remus. “It really ruins the dramatic effect that Voldemort’s name gives if you say it wrong.” He paused, and then added, “And how did he change a curse scar?”

“I thought Draco was dead,” said Severus in a monotone. “Shame.”

Ebony stuck out her middle finger at them as she sat down on a hospital bed.

“I think she heard you,” whispered Remus.

Suddenly, Hagrid burst into the room, carrying a bouquet of pink roses. He seemingly tried to join her on her hospital bed, but his large size made it impossible. He leaned into it, sticking one leg under the blankets while he used the other to balance his odd position. The bed sagged under his weight.

“Enoby I need to tell u something,” he said, handing her the roses.

“Fuck off,” she said. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up preps like you.”

“No Enoby,” Hagrid said. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?”

 _Calm down,_ thought Lupin. _He’s just bringing you flowers. It’s sweet. Creepier than keeping a portrait in your bedroom, but it’s supposed to be sweet._

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily.

“No, he didn’t,” mumbled Snape.

“No you didn’t,” she replied. “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.”

“No, he didn’t,” said Remus.

Snape glanced over to him and whispered, “Did she just call me _Snap_?”

“Yeah, she did.”

“Who MASTABATED to it,” Hagrid added in a whisper.

“We did what now?” asked Remus.

“Whatever!” Ebony yelled.

He pointed a wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.”

“Yes, they are,” said Snape.

Remus glanced over to him. “I would be more confused about Hagrid having a wand. I’m pretty sure he’s not legally allowed possession of one.”

“Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY!” Hagrid muttered, concentrating as if he was trying to cast a difficult spell. A vein popped on his neck and his face turned red, nostrils flaring. His hand shook as he gripped the wand tightly, knuckles turning white.

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song,” said Ebony.

“Well, there’s your problem,” whispered Remus.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then, he screamed, “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio imo noto okayo!”

Snape fell back on his bed and covered his face with his pillow, pressing it against his ears. “We wouldn’t be in this predicament if _you_ hadn’t decided to investigate. We wouldn’t be in hearing this, we wouldn’t be suffering bullet wounds, we wouldn’t be accused of— I don’t even know— and you would still have that stupid camera, and I would still have my dignity,” he yelled over Hagrid’s so-called singing.

“That last one is debatable.”

Remus: three.

The pink roses turned into a huge black flame which floating menacingly above them. It released a horrible stench, burning Remus’ sensitive nose.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore suddenly said, bringing attention to his presence. Remus had completely forgotten the headmaster was still in the room. “2 c wht iz n da flmes u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hagrid yelled. Dumbledore stared at him, taken aback. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!” Hagrid jumped out of Ebony’s bed, almost knocking her off, and raced out of the room.

A moment of silence preceded Poppy Pomfrey finally returning. She did not seem fazed by the new faces in the hospital wing. “Severus, Remus, you’re being transferred to St. Mungo’s immediately—”

“Thank Merlin!” Remus yelled. He turned to Snape. “Terrible that you had to deal with this for so long.”

“At least it’s all over. I don’t plan on coming back until someone has dealt with that abomination.” He gestured to Ebony.

“Anyways I got better now I’m leaving,” said Ebony. She stood up and sauntered out of the room, leaving a trail of blood behind her from the still-open slices on her wrists.

“Better?” asked Remus, staring in completely shock.

Snape rolled his eyes. “Let her bleed to death.”


	7. Apparation in Hogwarts?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a reason Enoby can apparate inside Hogwarts, and it's not a good thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: Cannon Fodder = Blood Banks. We’re not sure if any Hufflepuffs were killed during the making of this story. By the way, there seems to be a glitch in the matrix.
> 
> Kittenn1011: While writing this chapter we found my favourite spelling error in all of My Immortal, in the passage I’m about to share. You’re welcome for the lulz. [“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wquallysaid way.] Also, there’s a shout-out to the hacked chapter at the end of this one, if you can catch it. 
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapters Twelve and Thirteen  
> Brittany’s POV

It was a good day when Brittany managed to go through an entire morning without seeing Ebony. That is not to say she did not hear Ebony or any of her friends. Their band was playing on the seventh floor as dawn broke and the horrible screams echoed into the Gryffindor dormitories— though, whether or not they should be called such was debatable. Ebony had moved all of her lackeys into Gryffindor, all of her so-called enemies into Slytherin. Brittany stayed in the Gryffindor tower only because she had no idea where the Slytherin, Hufflepuff, or Ravenclaw dorms were or how to get in.

In fact, she felt like the last sane person in the school. Ebony controlled everyone, from the first years to the headmaster. She forced people to become goffs and she forced people to become preps, and everyone else became Hufflepuffs, which translated to cannon fodder.

In fact, when she entered what used to be Care of Magical Creatures class, though now a banner declared it Hair of Magical Magic Creatures, Vampire Potter was drinking blood from a random Hufflepuff. The girl seemed to still be breathing, but Brittany could not be sure.

“Hi,” Vampire suddenly said, dropping the Hufflepuff to the ground and turning to look at the one person who Brittany wished would drop dead.

“Hi back,” said Ebony.

They stared at each other blankly for a long time. Brittany turned her attention away from them when Professor McGonagall arrived; for some reason, Professor Hagrid could not teach the class, and instead of a normal substitute, McGonagall seemed to be taking his place.

Ebony and Vampire quickly drew the Brittany’s attention back to them when they jumped on each other, pulled a lime and coconut from inside their tight clothing, and—

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” yelled Professor McGonagall.

The two broke apart.

“Vampire you fucker!” Ebony slapped him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” She turned on her heels and dashed away before hiding behind a tree.  

Vampire started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” His eyes rolled up

“NO!” She ran back from behind the tree and moved so close her nose almost touched his. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” She shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation,” he replied. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

“It really ruins the dramatic effect that You-Know-Who’s name gives if you say it wrong,” Brittany mumbled. “And how did he change a curse scar?” She paused. “Well, I was wondering where Malfoy went. That answers that.”

Ebony and Vampire ran towards the castle, and Brittany made the split-second decision to follow after them. She stayed at a safe distance, only close enough to hear their always-loud voices.

“Dumbledore Dumblydore!” they yelled together as they raced up the stairs in the Entrance Hall. 

 _Dumblydore?_ Brittany wondered, ducking behind a pillar as the two moved to a stop and Professor Dumbledore arrived.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” asked Dumbledore.

“Volsemort has Draco!” Ebony and Vampire said together.

Professor Dumbledore cackled.

Brittany had to rub her eyes and double-check that it was actually Professor Dumbledore who stood before them.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Draco!” begged Ebony and Vampire. Despite the earlier sentenced keeping in unison, it sounded more as if Vampire was echoing Ebony for dramatic effect.

“No,” said Dumbledore. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” He frowned at Ebony. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” He exited the scene.

Vampire started crying. “My Draco!” he moaned.

Brittany gaped. _What did I just witness_ , she wondered. _Was that someone Polyjuiced as the headmaster or something? What is going on!_

“Its okay!” she stuttered. Suddenly, the tears running down Vampire’s face began to flow red.

 _Is that blood?_ thought Brittany. _That’s not normal. He should probably head to the Hospital Wing._

“I had an idea!” Vampire exclaimed, jumping up.

“What?” asked Ebony.

“You’ll see.” he said. He pulled out his wand— _That’s good, he hasn’t forgotten what that_ is, thought Brittany— and then they disappeared.

Brittany stared, eyes wide, and head hung back in complete shock. She could not form a sentence for a long moment.

She raised her hands into the air and fell to her knees. “You can’t apparate in or out of Hogwarts,” she yelled at the ceiling. “This is unlogical!”


	8. Kill Them Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco was not dead, he was kidnapped and a fake corpse was put in his place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: This chapter could alternatively be called, "Kill Us Dead." No, seriously. Please, we give you permission. It won't be murder if we give you permission. On another note, imagine Voldemort is pulling a Snape (as if the dramatic billowing cape) when he exits the room with Wormtail and Draco in it.
> 
> Kittenn1011: Thanks to all out readers and reviewers/commenters. Very sorry about the delay, but we were short on time to spend writing (Ms.NaughtyOwl started college this year) and the next seven chapters all are very connected. Ten thousand words, seven chapters, four world views, and one day. We decided to write the entire concert arc before publishing any of it so we didn't accidentally contradict ourselves. Which is very easy, considering how confusing My Immortal can get. This chapter is 100 times the quality of when we initially started it, thanks to that delay.
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapters Thirteen and Fourteen  
> Voldemort's POV

Lord Voldemort needed to torture something. If he could not cast a cruciatus— maybe on some sort of rodent, a certain crazy Hogwarts student, Ebony herself, or even a kitten would work— he would go crazy. Unfortunately, only the first two options were actually available to him, but he needed them for other things.

"Enoby! Ebory!"

It took every ounce of his self-control not to kill Draco Malfoy. If he killed the boy, he could not complete his experiment. While the desperate screaming for— well, Voldemort could not be sure for whom he was screaming, exactly— annoyed him to no ends…

"EBONDY!"

"Silence!" hissed Voldemort.

He had thought curing Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's control would be as easy as cutting off the victim's exposure, but Draco Malfoy had just proved him wrong. Perhaps it was lingering in his brain, slowly killing him off, like a tumour. If only, then Voldemort would not have to deal with him anymore.

"Wormtail." Voldemort turned to Peter Pettigrew. "This is now your responsibility. Cure him— if you can't, just kill him." He exited the room quickly, cloak billowing behind him. He could not get away from Ebony's puppet fast enough.

Behind him, he heard Wormtail yell, "Allah Kedavra!"

Voldemort turned around and gaped at the closed door. "What?" he asked. "That's not a real spell." He brushed it off— perhaps he misheard. But why would Wormtail kill Draco so soon after he left? Surely he hadn't enough time to attempt to fix him.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" shouted Wormtail.

 _Who is he talking to?_  wondered Voldemort.  _Why is he talking like that?_

He heard loud bangs echo from the other room and opened the door to glance into the other room. Wormtail fell to his knees and stared at two figures across the room. "EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme."

 _No,_  thought Voldemort.  _No no no_

"Huh?"

At Ebony's distinctive voice, he cringed.

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?"

_As pathetic as Wormtail is..._

"What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard," yelled Ebony. She raced towards Wormtail and raised her hand in the air revealing that she held a familiar-looking muggle object. She brought it down on Wormtail and repeatedly pounded it onto his chest, as if it was a knife instead of… whatever it was.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed and began to run around the room like a headless chicken. Ebony fell to her knees and burst into tears.

 _Why?_  thought Voldemort.  _This can only get worse from here. Time for Lord Voldemort to step in._  He glanced at the potentially dangerous muggle object lying beside Ebony and recalled the strange encounter— the way she thought he spoke like he was as old as Hogwarts' itself.

"Wormtail, what art thou doing?" he said as he swung the door open. She looked at him and stared blankly. Suddenly, he felt his heels lift and toes pinched. As he took another step forward, the heels on his shoes— he had not been wearing shoes!— clicked against the stone floor. He looked down, shocked at the pink, three-inch high-heels that had appeared on his feet. It had Ebony written all over it. (Literally, the top of the footwear had her entire name stamped into them.)

He glared at her. If he had nostrils, they would be flaring. He raised his wand, ready to cast the killing curse. Before the words could leave his mouth, Draco Malfoy's shackles disappeared, and brooms appeared in Ebony's, Draco's, and the unidentified stranger's hands. They took off like lightning, flying above him and zooming up the staircase, breaking through the door, and into the open sky.

When he became a Dark Lord, he was not signing up for  _this_.

From the corner of his eyes, Voldemort noticed a large mass collapsing to the ground. Wormtail had finally stopped running around the room. Voldemort stood completely still for a moment, still at a loss of what had just occurred in front of him. None of it made any sense. At all.

 _Well, first thing is first_ , thought Voldemort, and he pried the two high heels off his feet.

He stared at the shoes, contemplating what to do with them. He glanced at his lump of an underling on the floor and tossed a shoe at Wormtail. The body did not move.  _Pathetic._ He threw the second shoe, and it slammed into his head.

Wormtail jerked up and looked around, puzzled.

"Get up," Voldemort ordered, "You have work to do."

"My Lord?" asked Wormtail.

Ebony and her  _friends_  would surely show up at a concert for… what was that band she mentioned all the time? NSR? MCN? MCR? No, that couldn't be right. "You are to build a stage in Hogmeade for tomorrow night," said Voldemort.

Wormtail looked at him as if he had grown a second head, but scurried out of the room nonetheless.

_Perhaps I should set myself up a base of operations in Hogsmeade that looks like it's under her control. Next, I'll need to lure Ebony into the trap. How? Perhaps advertisements for the concerts… I could use Wormtail to post them in Hogwarts. Once Ebony and her puppets arrive at the concert, I'll kill them all._


	9. So Fucking Beautiful (Pardon the Language)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Enoby has a breakdown and Brittany is unimpressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: You know what I would do to Ebony if I ever met her? It would not be to death; it would be to the pain. Not that she isn't already wallowing in freakish misery…
> 
> Kittenn1011: This chapter is the hump that created the long wait for updates. We wrote chapters ten, eleven, and tweleve before this, then went back and finished writing eight before finally writing chapter nine. Now that it's done, I have no idea what was so difficult about it.
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapters Fourteen and Fifteen  
> Brittany's POV

Brittany waited for their return in the Gryffindor common room. It surprised her greatly when, even though she didn't expect them to return well into the night, Ebony, Harry, and Malfoy entered the common room through the window only a few hours later. They dropped their brooms— brooms which they had not possessed when they left— to the floor carelessly once dismounted.

She stood up, meaning to ask them a variety of questions, most notably on their impossible exit. What kind of magic could allow Ebony to apparate in Hogwarts? She was worried: if Ebony could do it, who else could? And what else could Ebony do?

Vampire Potter walked off mechanically, leaving the Gryffindor common room through the open portrait hole. The Fat Lady had disappeared soon after Ebony had taken over the Gryffindor dormitories; Brittany once noticed her snoozing in another painting. Most of the portraits had begun to sleep excessively weeks before. Brittany found it almost impossible to find one awake and the ghosts had all but disappeared.

After a short moment of hesitation, Brittany crept after them. It couldn't be safe to inhabit a tower that held the two of them unsupervised. She came to a stop outside Ebony's open door, and stared inside. Neither noticed her presence.

"What's wrong, honey?" Malfoy was asking Ebony.

Brittany hand collided with her forehead, creating a resounding thud. Malfoy and Ebony still did not notice her: they simply went about their activities.

Malfoy pulled his shirt off and an abnormally large lime fell from its pockets, rolling across the ground. On his abdomen, somebody (probably Ebony) had painted on two words, written in dramatic all capitals, 'SEX PACK'. The lime stopped at Brittany's feet, and when Malfoy chased after it, she held her breath and prayed she would suddenly become invisible. She didn't become invisible— how unfortunate— but Malfoy looked her right in the eye and did not see her. She waved her hand in front of his face, but he did not blink. He simply turned and marched back to Ebony.

"Its so unfair!" yelled Ebony. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."

 _What about your imaginary friend, Willow? Does she not count_ , Brittany thought sarcastically.

"Why would you wanna be ugly?" Malfoy whined. "I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts."

 _And you two aren't?_  Once again, Brittany's hand collided with her face.

"Yeah," began Ebony, "but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked."

_Professor Snape and who? And what now?_

"Hargrid says he's in love with me."

 _Does she mean Hagrid, the seventy-someodd-year-old_ Hair _of Magical Creatures teacher?_

"Vampire likes me—"

_I'm pretty sure you've brainwashed him into that. And probably the rest as well._

"—and now even Snaketail is in love with me!"

_What kind of name is that?_

"I just wanna be with you ok Draco!"

_Which is why you occasionally make out with Harry 'Vampire' Potter in Hair of Magical Creatures Class. Makes perfect sense now. Don't know why I never saw it before."_

"Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?"

_Beautiful? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means._

"Im good at too many things!"

_Like brainwashing people, and… actually, I think that's all._

"WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"

Once she finally finished her shouting, Ebony raced out her door, right past Brittany as if she was not there. Malfoy followed after her.

"Ebony Ebony!" screamed Draco. "No, please, come back."

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire," Ebony shouted. Ebony stormed back in and slammed the door in both Malfoy and Brittany's faces.

Malfoy froze up completely, as if Ebony's exit— if it could be called that— has just him down. Brittany waved her hand in front of his face once more, and once again he did not react. She poked him lightly; he wobbled on his feet. Cautiously, she poked him a little harder. When he still did not react, she grinned and outright pushed over. He fell limply to the ground.

"Well, one good thing came of this," she mumbled. "Now nobody has any trouble putting Malfoy in his proper place." She scoffed. "Filthy purebloods." She could only keep a straight face for a few seconds before giggling and adding, "I've always wanted to say that."

She skipped back to the common room, leaving Draco lying in the stairs. She flopped down onto an armchair and stretched out to make herself comfortable, smiling to herself. Before she could settle with her thoughts, Ebony came stalking down the stairs, blood dripping from open wounds on her wrists and carrying a wooden pendant in the shape of a pentagram. The blood from her wrists dripped onto the pendant and soaked into the wood, beginning to stain it red. "Its tim for advanced biology," said Ebony.

Brittany furrowed her eyebrows.  _Am I supposed to be in class right now? I don't even know anymore. Are classes happening? Is that a thing?_

As Ebony left through the open portrait hole, Brittany made a split second decision to follow after her. Somebody needed to investigate Ebony's strange hypnotic powers over the school, and seeing that Brittany was the only one not affected, she had no real choice in the matter.

As Ebony walked through the school, she began to gain a following. Brittany trailed far enough behind to not become caught in the trail of students joining the march through the hallways.

When they reached the Transfiguration classroom, Brittany did not immediately enter. She watched from the doorway as Ebony sat down in the front of the room and her inner circle— minus Draco, who probably was still lying on the stairs up to the Gryffindor boys' dormitories— joined her. She said, "Its tim for Advanced Biology."

"advanced Biology," moaned the horde of students, and they trooped out of the room.

Unfortunately for Brittany, she was between them and the hallway. She did not have a chance to properly move out of their way, and they began knocking her around and trying to push her along. As she lost her balance, a short, panicked thought entered her mind:  _This is how I die. Trampled by mind-controlled robots. Great._

They pushed her into the hallway as she hit the floor and she quickly rolled towards the wall, effectively escaping from the flattening. She jumped to her feet and pressed her back against the wall, trying to become one with it.

"Professor," moaned the students, "Professor, its tim for Advanced Biology. Teach us— teach us—"

She did not know who, exactly, they were looking for, nor when they would likely return, so despite being able to let out a sigh of relief as they passed, she vowed not to move one inch until she absolutely had to go to class— when the horde was back in the classroom and she was safe from manslaughter.

The moans echoed through the halls as the students searched, causing a chill to run down her spine. Hogwarts students were creepy, if nothing else.

"Professor, professor, its tim for Advanced Biology. Teach us— teach us—"


	10. Into the Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape and Lupin fight. A lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: It really sucks to be Lupin and Snape— it really sucks to be us.
> 
> Kittenn1011: Hey, at least we got a break from My Immortal's craziness during this chapter. Not that shenanigans don't happen. It is Snape and Lupin in the My Immortal Verse, after all… but Ebony does not appear. Huzzah!
> 
> Thanks to the reviewer we did have for the last chapter and the one reviewer on the chapter before that, and enjoy this next chapter of Of Mary Sues and Mind Slavery. (Are reviews even a thing anymore?)
> 
>  
> 
> Interlude from My Immortal chapters (uses information from Chapter Sixteen)  
> Snape's POV

It would take an army to make Severus go back to Hogwarts in the state it was in! Ebony barely had full control of the school for a few weeks— although signs had begun making themselves apartment since the school year began— but it felt like the world had been mad for an eternity. Something about Ebony's presence seemed to encapsulate the entirety of the world; when he had reached St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, he'd expected to find the healers in the same state.

A Healer entered the hospital room in which Severus and Lupin had been assigned, jerking Severus out of his thoughts. "You're free to go, Mr. Lupin, Professor Snape."

Severus jumped out of his bed and yelled, "No!" He fell to his knees as he screamed to the sky.

The healer raised an eyebrow. "Professor?" he inquired.

Lupin sighed. "Don't worry about it." He stood up and grabbed Severus' arm. "I'll talk to him. We'll just be leaving."

"Have a nice day, then," said the healer, exiting the room once more.

Lupin dragged Severus to his feet. "Stop being such a Drama Queen."

Severus glared at him. "I refuse to return to that horrid place," he growled.

Lupin rolled his eyes. "He wasn't saying that you had to go back to Hogwarts," he said. "You just can't stay here."

"Wasn't planning to," replied Severus. "But I will not go back. I won't."

Lupin rubbed his forehead. "Severus, we really should." Severus opened his mouth to protest, but Lupin continued before he could interrupt, "I don't want to go back any more than you do. But this is not just about us. It's about Hogwarts. There are three hundred people in that castle who cannot save themselves. Three hundred people, and we're really their only chance. She's taken Hogwarts— what's next? Hogsmeade? Europe? The world? She needs to be stopped now, when she's still weak."

"I refuse," said Severus.

"She obviously can't take you, else it would have happened already, and you can keep an eye on me and throw me out if I start to show symptoms. Do we even have a choice in the matter? She's a bigger threat than Voldemort."

Severus raised his eyebrow. "And how, exactly, do you plan to join me at the school when you are no longer a teacher?"

Lupin shrugged. "Nobody will notice I shouldn't be there. I'm too worried about the students to just leave this to you."

"Are you saying I'm incompetent?"

"I just don't trust you to stick around long enough to accomplish anything. You don't have a good track record to devoting yourself to one cause."

"Keep talking," Severus sneered. "I think I need more motivation to murder you."

"Are you going to save the world or not?"

Severus stared at him. "Fine," he said. More to himself than to Lupin, he added, "But when this all over, Albus had better give me a raise."

* * *

 

When they appeared in Hogsmeade, a mysterious new store caught Severus' eye. On the building that used to be the Hog's Head, a sign read, ' _Goff Shop_ '. Mannequins wearing muggle clothing stood in the dirty windows and Severus wondered if it was where Ebony was acquiring her multitude of clothing.

Lupin slowly approached the building, but Severus grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "What are you doing?" he asked harshly

Lupin yanked his arm out of Severus's grasp. "It's spread to Hogsmeade," he said. "We can't just ignore it."

"She can't be that strong," hissed Severus.

"Then explain that," Lupin gestured to the building. "Something's gotten into Aberforth, and I'm willing to bet it's Ebony."

Severus snorted. "You don't have any money to bet. You're a werewolf; you can't hold down a job."

Lupin sighed. "Can we please focus on the task at hand? Not everything comes down to the fact I'm a werewolf."

"It wouldn't if you hadn't tried to eat me in fifth year!"

"You're still holding that against me? It wasn't even my fault!"

"You remember that social nicety about not speaking ill of the dead, don't you?" Severus mocked.

Lupin growled. "Don't you dare bring Sirius into this."

"I didn't. You did. Do you also have problems with short-term memory loss?"

"Keep talking," said Lupin. "I think I need more motivation to murder you."

"You try to kill me and the Ministry will put you down before you realize what happened," replied Severus.

Lupin drew his wand and pointed it at Severus threateningly.

"Down boy," Severus ordered. "Bad dog."

Before Lupin could attack him— Severus really though Lupin was going to attack him!— Aberforth Dumbledore burst out of the shop. "Hey u want to cum into ma store?"

Lupin lowered his wand. Severus' jaw dropped. He could barely recognize the younger Dumbledore sibling in his ridiculous getup: a frilly black tutu over pink fishnets and a too-small t-shirt showing a picture and writing— the muggle in the photo looked like Voldemort with a comb-over (and a nose) and under it read  _Marilyn Manson_. Aberforth's long white hair had been replaced by a badly-dyed black colour which almost made Severus cringe in horror.

Lupin turned to Severus for guidance. He shrugged.

"Aberforth?" asked Lupin.

"Yah, what do u want?"

Lupin's eyebrow twitched. "You just invited us in," he said carefully.

Aberforth paused. "Oh," he said. "Cum in, now." He turned around and skipped merrily into the shop.

"Maybe not," said Severus, taking a step back. "I have… a previous engagement which just cannot be missed."

"I think the hospital made it clear that they don't want you back," said Lupin. "Quit trying to escape. This is the perfect opportunity to investigate."

"Then you investigate, Sherlock. I'm going to stay out here, where it's safe."

"Nobody is safe in Ebony's domain. If Aberforth is taken, the rest of Hogsmeade is just as likely to be gone. I can leave you here, alone, where you're not sure who's an enemy and who's not, or you can come in with me and face only one with backup." Lupin paused, grinning, "Don't worry," he said, "I can protect you."

Severus glared.

"Are you coming?" Lupin asked him before opening the door.

Snape looked around carefully, and then entered the building.

Aberforth Dumbledore was racing around the room— neither Lupin nor Severus would have ever guessed the old barkeep could move so quickly. He jumped around the room, setting up racks of mismatched muggle clothing on top of the tables, and slapping posters onto the wall without much thought.

"Aberforth… what happened to the pub?"

Aberforth turned around and stared at them blankly for a moment. Severus clenched his teeth. Of course they would not get an explanation. Ebony had already struck Hogsmeade— they could be too late.

"U want to buy?" asked Aberforth.

Lupin looked like a deer caught in headlights. "Well, I do need to apologize to Nyphadora for breaking her camera…"

"I have camera pouch!" said Aberforth, running out of the room.

"The camera is broken," said Severus. "And confiscated," he added. "What would you need with a camera pouch?"

"I don't know," said Lupin. "There's no point trying to figure out the logic of anyone under Ebony's influence."

Severus turned on his heels and tried to exit, but Lupin grabbed onto his robes before he could reach the door.

"You are not giving up now," said Lupin.

Severus let out a low growl. "She's brainwashed everyone in the castle, including Albus, and she seems to have managed to get her mind-zombies in Hogsmeade as well." He crossed his arms. "She's getting more powerful— I plan to escape while I still can."

"You can't," said Lupin.

"What's stopping me?" asked Severus. "You?"

"No," said Lupin. "Lily."

Before Severus could draw his wand and curse the werewolf, Aberforth returned. His hands were dripping black paint, and when he held out the black sack, Severus realized the paint must have come from very recent painting of the 'camera pouch'. Aberforth shoved it into Lupin's face. "U want?"

"No thanks," said Lupin.

"U want?"

Lupin glared. "No, I really don't."

Aberforth moved the camera so close to Lupin's face that it touched his nose, leaving a spot of black paint on it. "5 pounds."

 _Muggle money, of course_ , thought Snape.  _But_   _I expected one of Ebony's people to expect everyone to use American currency_.

Lupin took a step back. "I'm done investigating, Severus," he said.

"About time," said Severus as he opened the door and walked out. "This did not accomplish anything." Mentally, he added,  _And if he ever tries to use Lily's name against me again, he won't survive to see Ebony's downfall_.


	11. You'll Never Take Me Alive!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin is taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: Snape spends most of this chapter in the closet. I love how we can use our silliness for a greater good.
> 
> Kittenn1011: Yes, don't we work so well together? We had to drag Lupin kicking and screaming into the Transfiguration ("Advanced Biology") classroom. He just refused to go willingly where we needed him to go for plot purposes. Sorry, Lupin. And thanks to our reviewers from the last chapter. See you next week!
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapter Fifteen  
> Lupin's POV

Remus had once felt less dread entering a battlefield than he did entering Hogwarts again. Under Ebony's rule, it had become enemy territory. Hogwarts was no longer his home. Only a shadow of its former glory, the castle seemed to be dying.

"Where are the students?" wondered Snape as they passed the empty Great Hall.

Remus shrugged. "Probably still in class," he said.

"I truly doubt the students are in class right now," replied Snape.

A pause.

"Did you hear that?"

Snape raised his eyebrow. "Hear what?"

A low, ominous moaning echoed through the corridors, just barely heard by the pair. The sound seemed to come from a few dozen different voices repeating the same word in the same monotonous tone. They could not tell what the word was, but the sound frightened them nonetheless.

Snape balked. "How about you check that out, while I go on," he paused, "in the other direction."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Scared?"

"You wish," replied Snape.

"Then, as good an idea as that may sound to you, I don't think we'll survive splitting up."

"We have magic," said Snape. "They don't seem to remember that fact."

"But Ebony has mind control," Remus pointed out. "Will you remember you have magic if you don't have me here to remind you?"

Snape opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. He turned around towards the approaching moaning as a horde of students rushed around the corner and into the hallway in which they stood.

"Professor," moaned the students, "Professor, its tim for Advanced Biology. Teach us— teach us—"

"What?" asked Remus.

Snape glanced to him and then turned on his heels and raced into the nearest closet.

"Professor," the students continued to moan.

Remus stood frozen with fright for a long moment before racing towards the same closet in which Snape had hidden. He banged against it. "Let me in, Snape."

"I am not opening the door," yelled Snape.

"Don't leave me with them!"

"Use magic," Snape mocked.

"Damn you," grumbled Remus. He reached for his wand, but the students grabbed hold of him and began dragging him away before he could cast a spell. At the sudden jerking of his body, he lost his grip on his wand and it clattered on the ground, barely heard over the moans of the students.

"Shit," yelled Remus. "Let me go— let go— Snape! Help!"

"No," yelled Snape.

"Professor," moaned the students as they lifted him into the air and began marching down the corridors.

"I'm not a professor— anymore," yelled Remus.

When they reached the transfiguration classroom, the students let go and Remus dropped awkwardly onto the floor. Remus whimpered helplessly before slowly rolling over and banging his forehead once against the ground. He pulled himself up using a nearby desk for support and then brushed himself off, as if contact with the students might infect him with insanity. He glanced around the classroom fearfully— the students were watching him expectantly from their seats. Experimentally, he slid his foot towards the door. In unison, almost all the students rose. Only a few bodies at the front of the room remained seated— presumably, Ebony and her inner circle.

Remus scooted to the front of the classroom— the students returned to their seats— and glanced at the chalkboard for a lesson idea. Maybe if he could distract them, he could slip out. Before the late bell rang, one final person slipped into the back of the room whom Remus did not recognize. He clapped his hands together and stared at the students, trying to gather his thoughts. "Class… take out your homework—"

"Wat is dis humwork u spek of?" asked Ebony.

Remus could not help but let out an audible groan. She _was_  there.

"All right," said Remus, "what have you been doing thus far in… Advanced Biology?" The last two words of the sentence were spoken with disdain.

"Were changin' our stuff we brot into udder stuff."

"Okay," said Remus. "Do that, then." Under his breath, he added, "Why did they even need me here, then?"

Ebony pulled out a wooden pentagram covered in red fluid.

"Why is there blood on that?" he said with concern.

"From lunch," Ebony replied cheerfully.

Remus scoffed. "What did you do for lunch, slaughter an innocent doe and eat it to absorbs its strength?"

"No, I drank sum of ma blod frum sliting ma rists," she replied. "Usally I eat a Hufflepuffs, tho." She grinned, showing off her teeth, which were straight and white.

 _Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God!_ Remus tried not to consider the horror of consuming one's self, nor create a mental image of the damage trying to eat a person with teeth like hers might cause. When he failed, he could not supress a shudder. A bead of sweat dripped for from his forehead and trickled down his face. His wand was abandoned on the floor somewhere, his backup— a war-veteran, double-agent who had betrayed Lord Voldemort— was cowering in a broom cupboard, and the full moon was not for another two weeks. He was helpless.

"Alright, you… change that pentagram into… well, whatever you'd like."

Ebony pulled out her wand—  _Oh, good,_ thought Remus,  _she remembers she has one of those_ — and began flailing it around wildly. Remus took a hesitant step back and then dived behind McGonagall's desk. After a moment of complete silence, he peeked over it to see a black guitar on Ebony's desk transforming into Draco Malfoy.

The first thought that crossed Remus' mind was this:  _Oh, Merlin, she has a wand and knows how to use it._ The second thought that crossed his mind was this:  _Oh, Merlin, she transfigured Draco Malfoy into a bloody pentagram, then into a guitar, and then back again._ The third thought that crossed his mind was this:  _Wait, didn't 'Volfemort' have him in bondage?_

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!."

Remus gagged.

Malfoy started to screech something that seemed to be trying to resemble music. Remus took his time climbing out from behind the desk, but when he was certain Ebony would not be using her wand again, he did.

When Draco stopped the ear-bleeding signing, she yelled, "OMFG." As she stood up, she flipped the bird to the students wearing Gryffindor colours. She turned to Draco and said, "I love you!" before throwing herself at him and sticking her tongue down his throat, Draco barely responding. When she pried herself off his nonresponsive body, she grabbed onto his hand and started dragging him out of the room.

"Oh no," said Remus in a false forced voice. "Don't go."

The students in green and in yellow began to clap very slowly and mechanically. Remus looked at them quizzically. In the corner of his eye, he noticed who the student who had slipped in late banging her head against her desk repeatedly.

 _Is one of them malfunctioning?_  wondered Remus.  _Why should I even care?_ He threw his arms upward in exasperation and moved to the exit the room.

Before he could escape, the tardy student grabbed onto his arm and demanded, "Who are you? And what are you doing here?"

Remus gaped at her properly pronounced sentences. Despite her American accent, she spoke like a human being. "My name is Remus Lupin. I'm a friend of Dumbledore… well, I was a friend of Dumbledore. I came to give him a message and Andromeda— Professor Tonks, to you— her daughter's camera. I don't know exactly what happened to Andromeda— she seems to have ceased to exist— and don't get me started on that thing that calls itself Dumblydore."

She gaped at him. "You—"

"You too?"

She grinned. "I'm Brittany. I transferred from Salem's this year. Is Hogwarts always this… crazy?"

"No," said Remus. "We've never seen this particular brand of crazy before."

 _Though_ , thought Remus,  _this particular brand seems to be the most painful._


	12. Comrades in Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avengers assemble!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kittenn1011: Happy (belated) birthday to Ms.NaughtyOwl! It was on Saturday.
> 
> Ms.NaughtyOwl: Which is why we didn't post until today. I've been busy with birthday stuff. Sorry. My Immortal Chapter 16 has the second Matrix-glitch. Dammit, Nero, stop destroying the Matrix. We need to finish this abomination, first. Then, please annihilate it forever.
> 
> Kittenn1011: Remember, Brittany is an American transfer student, so forgive any Americanisms in her POV. We had some problems with MCR and GC because they weren't actually known things in '96 (when this story takes place)… so forgive us, any GC fans if we've made a research error (Wikipedia told us they played in small bars and stuff in '96, so we gave Brittany that knowledge.) MCR now exists in Enoby's mind, and everyone else only knows about this hallucination because she often speaks of it.
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapter Sixteen  
> Brittany's POV

Brittany had never felt more relieved in her life. Nothing could compare to the sheer glee of finding another mind that had, like hers, resisted the control of Ebony. Then again, this Remus Lupin fellow might have simply not been around long enough for it to take effect, and his sanity was a ticking time-bomb ready to detonate.

"So," said Brittany to her new comrade-in-arms, "why haven't you left if you're not a student obligated to stay?"

Lupin simply shrugged. "I went to school here. And I taught here not too long ago: I'm obligated to protect these students." He gestured to the statue-like bodies sitting around the room in a mindless trance.

"So, you plan to take down Ebony?"

"Even if it kills me." He paused. "And it probably will."

"What's your plan, then?" asked Brittany, her voice almost excited.

He winced. "I haven't figured that out yet. Right now I'm gathering intelligence to base a plan off."

"Well," said Brittany. "Good luck with that."

He shook his head. "No way are you going off on your own while that crazy lunatic is running around. She might eat you."

Brittany winced. "Yeah, she might."

Lupin admitted, "It's not that I want to follow her—"

"Then why are you following her?" Brittany interrupted.

"Because despite the fact that last time I tried to figure her out all I got was a bullet wound to my dignity, the only way to stay ahead is to stay informed."

"You got a bullet wound to your dignity?" inquired Brittany.

"And to my shoulder as well," he said.

Brittany stared at him as if he had grown a second head. "And you want to follow her again?" She paused. "Are you sure you're not under her influence?"

"I'm certain," said Lupin. "Now follow me."

They exited the room and immediately found Ebony and Malfoy standing outside it, arguing.

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" Ebony was shouting. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them."

"What happened last time?" Brittany whispered to Lupin.

He shrugged. "There was an MCR concert?"

"No," said Brittany. "I'm pretty sure it was Good Charlotte last time."

"I'm not familiar with either band," he said.

"I'm pretty sure Good Charlotte is a muggle band that plays in bars around the area I live— my older sister likes them— not exactly record hits yet, if ever," she replied. "I've never heard of MCR, though."

Somehow, Ebony and Malfoy had failed to notice the conversation going on behind them and continued with their own.

"What cause we…you know…" Malfoy fidgeted.

"Yeah cause you know!"

"You know?" asked Lupin. "What are they talking about?"

"I could… hazard a guess," she mumbled.

"We won't do it again," said Malfoy. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

"OMFG wtf/"

_Did she just say 'forward slash'?_

"Are you giving into mainstream?" yelled Ebony. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?"

"Malfoy had a sex change?" exclaimed a female voice. A girl wearing blue with long blonde hair had entered the hallway outside the transfiguration room without either Brittany or Lupin noticing. She looked vaguely interested in the discussion before her, which continued as if not interrupted.

"NO," yelled Malfoy.

"R u becoming a prep or what?" yelled Ebony.

"Ebony! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He then fell to his knees and began to scream another song.

Brittany covered her ears and began her escape, racing in the direction of the strange girl in a Ravenclaw uniform— she had not known anyone still knew Ravenclaw house existed except for her… well, now, her and Lupin. When she reached the stranger, she gave Brittany a bright smile, looking unfazed by Malfoy's 'singing'.

"Hello!" she said. "I don't think we've ever met." Her gaze focussed behind Brittany and she added, "Hello Professor Lupin."

"Hello Luna," said Lupin. "How are you doing?"

"I've been better," said Luna. "I prefer our normal class schedules to whatever this is, and I didn't think I'd miss people stealing my shoes all the time, but it gets lonely in the Ravenclaw common room now that everyone has defected to other houses."

"The Ravenclaw tower is empty?" asked Lupin. More to himself than to Brittany, he mused, "That would probably make a great hiding place. No way does Ebony have the mental capacity to solve a riddle to get inside."

"And neither do her mind-slaves," said Luna, "which is why it gets lonely. Not that mind-slaves seem to make good company."

"No," said Lupin. "I suppose they wouldn't."

Quietly, Luna said, "I wish everything was back to normal."

Malfoy's screeching ceased. Ebony was lying on the ground, as if the sheer force of his disgusting voice had knocked her off her feet. "OK then I guess I will have to," she said, and then she jumped up, climbed into his arms, and began making out him.

Brittany turned her eyes away. "Not again," she mumbled. "You know Malfoy would not consent to this."

Lupin shuddered.

Ebony fell from Malfoy's body, and then began waltzing away towards the staircases, probably heading to the Gryffindor tower to change her… costume.

"Should we follow her?" asked Brittany.

Lupin shook his head. "She's taking the stairways. We have lots of time before she does anything… interesting."

"But we have to take the stairways, too," Brittany said slowly. Was it beginning to affect him, too?

He shook his head. "Help me find my wand, and then we can summon brooms."

"That's brilliant," said Luna.

Brittany raised her eyebrow. "Isn't that against the rules?"

Lupin shrugged. "The rules don't matter when the teachers who enforce them are all being mind-controlled."

"You're a terrible role model," said Brittany. "You know that, right?"

"I  _used_ to be a teacher," replied Lupin. "I dropped my wand when they kidnapped me a few hallways away from here."

Lupin took the lead, and Luna cheerfully trailed after him. Brittany followed them both until they stopped directly outside a broom cupboard.

Lupin turned to them and pressed his finger to his lips. "Pretend we've been taken," he whispered.

"Why?" whispered Brittany.

"You'll see."

He swung the door open, and in a monotonously he moaned, "Professor, it's time for Advanced Biology. Teach us—"

Luna and Brittany chimed in, "Teach us!"

Professor Snape pressed himself against the wall and tried to merge with it.

Lupin cracked a grin. "Snape, it's time to come out of the closet."

Brittany giggled.

Lupin glanced over to her quizzically. "What?"

"Nothing."

Snape glared at Lupin. "You brought two back with you?" He scowled. "You can't keep people as pets— even these ones— stupid werewolf."

"Wait," said Brittany. "What?"

Lupin shrugged. "I  _used_  to be a teacher," he said, as if that explained anything.

"They let a werewolf teach at Hogwarts," she said slowly.

"I told you, we've never seen  _this particular_  brand of crazy before," replied Lupin. He looked to Snape. "If you can't tell already, they're clear."

"Are you certain?"

Lupin nodded. "Ebony isn't clever enough to make mind-slaves that seem sane enough to spy on people trying to take her down. As far as she seems to be concerned, everyone is under her control."

Snape looked to Luna. "Well, that would explain why Miss Lovegood hasn't been in any of her classes," he said.

Luna simply smiled at him. "I've been hiding in the Ravenclaw tower. It may be infested with nargles, but at least it's not infested with mind-slaves."

"Snape," said Lupin, "are you going to come out of that closet or not?"

Snape brushed past them. "Where are we going to be going, then?"

"Ebony's on her way upstairs, so we can go spy on her through a window."

Snape stared at Lupin as if that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. "Remember what happened last time we tried that? All I got was a bullet wound to my dignity."

"You got a bullet wound to your dignity?" inquired Brittany.  _Where have I heard that before?_  she wondered sarcastically.

"And to my leg as well," he said.

"Then how are we going to spy on Ebony?" asked Lupin.

Snape shrugged. "We can hide in her closet."

Lupin stared. "Yeah, she'll never go in there," he replied dryly.

"Well, I doubt we'll be able to fit under her bed," said Snape.

"She has a coffin."

"Exactly."

Lupin sighed. "Alright. But if she goes in there, I'm hiding behind  _you_. You threw me to the wolves last time—"

"I'm sure you fit right in," interrupted Snape.

Lupin growled at him.

"See, exactly my point."

Brittany finally had enough. She stepped between them and held her arms out. "Ladies, ladies, get a room."

Lupin glared, and Snape immediately responded with, "Fifty points from Gryffindor."

"Like that matters anymore," mumbled Brittany.

"And a detention that you will serve when everything gets back to normal."

"Whatever our normal is," added Lupin.

Brittany sighed.  _I really miss Salem, where normal means exactly what is sounds like_.


	13. Subtly Spying (and Sweater Stealing)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They aren't subtle about it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: We would have loved to make everyone joke about what "Kawai" is, but we're better than making characters who shouldn't know Japanese know what "Kawaii" means.
> 
> Kittenn1011: This chapter is a littler shorter, and we were going to continue it, but the point we ended up ending it felt way too great to ruin it with boring Lupin-Snape-Brittany-Luna banter. This chapter has the appearance of the explanations of phrases such as, "enrgtically lethrigcly," and "We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie." Also, The Nightmare Before Christmas did already exist in the late nineties, along with Hot Topic.
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapter Sixteen  
> Snape's POV

Somehow, someone had posted ridiculous posters all over the walls of the school. On top of a black background, dark red, crudely written words announced a My Chemical Romance concert that night in Hogsmeade. Under the words, also in red, five awkward stick figures held awkward stick musical instruments.

The only four sane people left in the school managed to beat Ebony to the Gryffindor tower because, unlike Ebony, they did not take the lethargic staircases. Brittany led the group into the boys' dormitories and into the room that Ebony had claimed as her own. The thing that used to be Granger was standing there, a blank look on her face.

Severus, Lupin, and Luna froze, but Brittany kept moving. "She's in some sort of 'sleep' mode right now," she said. "Don't even worry about her." She walked up to  _B'loody Mary Smith_ , waved her hand in front of her unblinking eyes, and then waltzed into the wardrobe.

Luna bounced after her, and Severus and Lupin exchanged glances before cautiously following the pair. Luckily, the storage closet that had been converted into Ebony's wardrobe was large enough to fit all four comfortably.

When Severus attempted to close the door behind him, Brittany stopped him. He raised an eyebrow at her, and she shrugged in response and left the door wide open.

Ebony waltzed into the room, and Severus could not help but flinch. After spending years spying on the Dark Lord, standing in plain sight of his enemy instead of hiding in the shadows caused a sinking of dread to make itself at home in his stomach.

"Hajimemashite gurl," said B'loody Mary, her voice perky and cheerful.

 _Right_ , thought Severus.  _She's so very haunted and depressed._

"I think she broke Hermione," said Brittany.

Severus glared. "Be silent. Ten points from Gryffindor."

She rolled her eyes.

"BTW," continued B'loody Mary, "Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math."

"Arithmancy?" ventured Lupin. He paused, and then added, "Wait, who's Willow."

"Do you remember Miss Way's…  _friend_. The imaginary one?"

"Oh," said Lupin. "Right. Her hallucination… thing."

Ebony laughed haughtily. "It serves that fuking bich right."

The two stared at each other, and then they turned and stared at a poster on the wall. It seemed to be an advertisement for a muggle children's movie of some sort, judging by the artwork. Where the title should have been, Ebony had spellotaped a piece of parchment and written across it,  _Das niteMARE b4 xmas_.

"Maybe Willow will die too," Ebony said.

"Kawai." B'loody Mary shook her head energetically, but then suddenly slowed down to a lethargic slowness. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."

"Kawai," Ebony replied happily.

"They're being even less understandable than usual," said Severus. He looked back to the others and immediately noticed an expression of dawning horror on Lupin's face. "What?"

"I did what with whose corpse?" he asked.

"You  _put the lime in the coconut_  with the corpse of Ebony's non-existent imaginary friend," Severus explained. Lupin was being slow, even for a Gryffindor.

"The lime in the coconut?"

"I'll explain later." He looked back to Ebony and B'loody Mary. "What are they doing?"

Ebony and B'loody Mary were staring intensely at one another, occasionally mouthing things at each other and making expressions as if they were in the middle of an engrossing conversation. However, despite the apparent discussion occurring, they were completely silent.

Suddenly, as if a spell had been broken, they began conversing aloud again. "OH HEY BTw," yelled Ebony, "im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr. I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

B'loody Mary nodded with excitement. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?"

"Are they going to catch a plane or Portkey over to the States for a shopping trip, or something?" Brittany wondered. Severus gave her a questioning look, so she continued, "It's an American store."

"We can only hope," said Severus.

Luna said, "If she leaves, all we have to do is change he locks on the country, and she can be the American's problem."

Brittany looked mildly offended. "She seems to be able to apparate in Hogwarts, so changing the locks wouldn't quite do it."

"What," said Severus.

"The headmaster can't even do that," said Lupin.

While their conversation was occurring, Ebony had been fishing inside her bra for something, and finally pulled out a small, black piece of parchment with  _Hot Topic_  written on one side and various stamps of small frowning faces on the other.

"No," B'loody Mary finally said.

Ebony's head shot up. "What?" She spun her head to look back to B'loody Mary. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She cackled. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

"Shame," said Severus.

"And I was just beginning to get my hopes up," said Lupin.

"I hate all of you," said Brittany.

"I like America," said Luna. "I just like here more."

Ebony asked, "Hu told u abut them."

"Dumblydore," B'loody Mary replied. "Let me just call our broms."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" she yelled.

Brittany, Lupin, and Luna all winced and covered their ears.

 _Can you be a little louder?_  thought Severus.  _I think people in America failed to hear you._

B'loody Mary continued as if she had not just been deafened. "Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

B'loody Mary and Ebony linked arms and skipped merrily out of the room.

Severus rubbed his eyes.

 _Haunted and depressed_ , he thought. If he stopped reminding himself of the fact, he was certain he would forget it.


	14. The Melancholy of Lord Voldemort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vlodemort and da Death Deelers infiltrate an MCR concert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms.NaughtyOwl: See if you can find the reference in this chapter! (Hint: it's from A Very Potter Sequel.) 
> 
> Kittenn1011: The beginning of this scene featured Ebony exiting a change room she did not enter, with a costume change. We had a bit of fun with that. She's so derpy. And she's wearing derpy painted clothing to the concert because Aberforth is selling derpy painted products.
> 
>  
> 
> My Immortal Chapter Sixteen and Seventeen, and featuring a brief piece of information from Chapter Eighteen.  
> Voldemort's POV

Sometimes, Voldemort wondered about his tendency to solve problems with Unforgivable Curses. And then he remembered how incredibly useful and pleasurable they were to use and left it at that.

Aberforth Dumbledore was a good puppet. Not his best-ever puppet, but a good one. The old man having not yet succumbed to Ebony's mind control, Voldemort needed not to have a battle of wills with any powerful enemies, only Aberforth himself. No walk in the park, but not beyond the powers of Lord Voldemort.

He lounged in the back of Aberforth's new  _Goff Shop_ , waiting for signs of Ebony taking his bait. He had made Wormtail sneak into the castle to put up posters for a concert for some band that Draco Malfoy had mentioned in his yelling while he had been held captive, and plant a map to the  _Goff Shop_  somewhere in the castle.

Severus Snape and the werewolf in the Order had wandered through a few hours before, but beside that encounter (which had been intriguing), Voldemort was bored out of his mind. People under the imperious curse were unentertaining enough to company as it was, but one under orders to act like one of Ebony's puppets was even worse.

Voldemort wondered about Snape and the werewolf. Were they under Ebony's control? It seemed almost as if they weren't.

But it could be a trap.

The bell on the door rang, indicating someone had entered. Voldemort peeked his head into the main room: Ebony and one of her puppets had arrived. Ebony's eyes locked onto the muggle face on Aberforth's shirt. And she was drooling over it.

He pulled his wand out, pointed it to Aberforth, and sent the command,  _Gain her trust_.

"We only have these for da real goffs," said Aberforth, pulling a piece of clothing dripping with black paint from behind his bar.

"Da real goffs?" she and her puppet chorused.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man!" he replied. "Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" she screeched.

A headache begun to develop. While he covered his ears, the only thing that crossed his mind was the thought:  _I knew they were a trap._

That did not, however, prevent him from noticing when Ebony's clothing spontaneously changed from one weird-looking muggle outfit into the one Aberforth had been holding, and she turned into the bathroom only to run right back out again.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit," said Aberforth.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot," said the puppet.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit," said Aberforth.

 _Alright, I'm sure you have her trust, masquerading as one of her puppets._  Voldemort's head pounded. He needed some pain relievers, quick. _So, my puppet, get to the point._

"Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?"

Ebony looked to him excitedly. "Yeah I am actually. Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?"

"Tom Rid—"

Voldemort snapped back, and his headache all but disappeared. In his panic, he had fallen from his seat. He did not mean for that to happen. Why would he say something like that? Did Ebony just—?

The imperious curse broke. Aberforth looked onto the scene before him, his eyes telling of deep confusion, and then they gazed over again. Voldemort stared at his wand, and then thumped it against his hand. It emitted a few sparks.

He looked back into the main room of the ex-bar.

Aberforth was no longer under his control.

_Which meant…_

"maybe I'll see you there tonight."

Voldemort needed to leave. The headache was quickly returning, and he could hazard a guess as to what that meant about his self-control.

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" At Ebony's second screech, the headache intensified once more. He needed to get out of the shop as quickly as possible, but he could not get past Ebony and three puppets. Especially because he had unwillingly given up his own.

Suddenly, a black broomstick crashed through the front window of the ex-bar. Hagrid jumped through the open space, knocking over the mannequins on display onto the layer of glass shards coating the floor, and yelled, "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"

Voldemort stared in complete shock.

Unblinkingly, the other three continued their interaction.

"Heres ur clothes n stuff 4 free," said Aberforth.

"OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" Hagrid yelled again.

"I cud help u wif makeup if u wunted, koz Im relly in2 fashin n stuff."

"OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"

"I'm bisezual," Aberforth continued as if Hagrid had not been yelling in his ear since he entered.

 _Is this what the entire world will come to if she manages to take over?_  Voldemort thought in horror, rubbing his forehead.

Finally, Ebony acknowledged Hagrid's presence. "WTF Hargrid?" she yelled. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard."

Stomping his feet in the glass, Hagrid stormed out through the broken window.

 _What,_  thought Voldemort.  _Does being a half-giant make you too big to use the door?_

Ebony turned towards the door and stared blankly at it for a moment, and then said, "Yah but not as kawaii as you," her voice downtrodden.

_Who is she talking to?_

"Yah," she said, suddenly very cheerful.

S _he's a bipolar schizophrenic with Tourette's_.

Draco Malfoy— or what used to be Draco Malfoy— entered, accompanied by a boy wearing clothing just as ridiculous as Aberforth (who was wearing a tutu, for Merlin's sake) and had caked his face with paint. Another puppet then spontaneously appeared, like things tended to do when Ebony wanted them to, and grabbed onto the first puppet— the girl Ebony had entered with.

Voldemort wondered for a moment if one of the puppets was Potter. He could not tell one puppet from the next beyond basic gender comparison, and even sometimes then he had a difficult time. He had asked Ebony to kill  _Vampire Potter_  because he had no idea which slave  _was_  Vampire Potter anymore.

The small troop of concert-goers exited the building, through the door like normal people instead of like half-giants. Outside the building, someone had parked a motor vehicle of some sort, and Draco Malfoy climbed into the driver's seat and drove off with as much skill behind the wheel as a llama.

Voldemort sighed in relief.

He was uncertain whether or not to continue his plan. He did not want to spend any more time around Ebony. But he needed all her puppets in the same place to kill them all at one and be done with it. Kill them with extreme prejudice.

He inspected the shop one last time. Aberforth was standing in the corner of the room, facing the wall, and realized that the lights in the room had dimmed since her entrance. Between her craziness and his headache, he had not noticed before. He apparated out of the shop, not bothering to cast a quick, easy repairing charm on the window, or cast a quick, easy charm to brighten the lights to their previous state.

 

* * *

 

Wormtail was waiting for him at the stage to get dressed in their costumes for the fake concert. Voldemort stared at him for a moment and then gestures to his clothing. Somehow, he had acquired leather pants and leather shoes and decided it would be a good idea to don them. Voldemort shrugged. "You'll do," he said. After only a moment's hesitation, he retrieved his own costume from his robes: a thick piece of parchment on a stick, with  _Gerard Way_  written across it. He held it up to his face experimentally. Considering none of the puppets nor Ebony herself had noticed him with his face in the door in the  _Goff Shop_ , chances were a paper label would be enough to fool them.

It was.

Given, Voldemort did not give them lots of time to have fun at the concert before announcing his name. While Wormtail banged on the stage a couple times to fake a musical beat— or something, Voldemort wasn't completely sure what Wormtail was doing. Perhaps he was under mind control again? But as Wormtail banged, Voldemort said into the microphone.

"It's time for you all to die," he said. "I'm so done with you. So long and goodnight."

By the time he finished his first sentence, Ebony and her puppets had begun jumping up and down.

He tried again, "So long and goodnight. Forever."

When they still did not realize he was threatening them, he dropped the piece of parchment held at his face. Ebony stared blankly at him for a moment, and then let out a gasp of realization.

"Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!" yelled Ebony.

 _Close enough_ , he thought. Voldemort would have corrected her, he really would have, if he thought it would not be a waste of his time. For one, because she was dumb as a rock, but also because she would be dead before she knew it.

"You moronic idiots," he shouted, mostly to the dumbest of them all. If he used any more complex language, she probably would not have understood him. "Enoby, I told you to kill Vampire."  _Whichever one that was._ It was in that moment that he remembered how Ebony thought he talked. "Thou have failed. And now… I shall kill thou and Draco."

"No no please!" the entire audience yelled.

A knife appeared in Voldemort's hands, and he threw it into the audience, absently hoping it happened to stab someone. That really needed to stop happening to him. Not the accidentally stabbing people— that was fine— but the random things just appearing.

Without warning, another weird puppet flew down from above. At first, Voldemort thought it was just an average captive of hers, but realization dawned. He had long black hair and a long black beard, and half-moon spectacles. It was a puppet version of Dumbledore.

She had Dumbledore.

_Oh, Merlin. She has Dumbledore!_

How powerful was she?

No way was he going to deal with Dumbledore. And no way was he going to deal with Ebony blind if she had enough power to take Dumbledore, of all people.

So he did the only thing that could make the situation less awkward for everyone.

He disapparated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up notice, this is our last prepared chapter. This means we will take some time off to continue writing through the next arc or so. Thanks for reading this far and for all your wonderful support. We hope you continue to support us through our short break; it's always awesome and motivating to find reviews. Anyways, hope you enjoyed reading the concert-arc as much as we enjoyed writing it. Lots of love to all you. See you next time.


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